Not Even Me
by unprettyxxgirl
Summary: Whimpering alone under my thoughts, I do not speak, I can not speak, because I don’t know –Ashley [chap 14 up]
1. Warning

[ WARNING ]  
[ Of the story Not Even Me authored by Elle ]  
  
This story WILL contain the following: cutting, harsh language, and depression. Some people may have gone through these kinds of things. I personally have not gone through most of these. In your opinion this may not be the Ashley you know. She went through some pretty tough things that you will not know in the beginning. This is just a warning that this is pretty emotional and pretty realistic. Or you may think it's stupid and pathetic. It won't matter. At least I got your attention and at least you've spoken your mind. I just thought I should warn you. Thanks for taking the time to read this. Enjoy.  
  
Ox Elle 


	2. Examples of The Routine

[ Not Even Me ]  
  
[ Not Even Me Chapter One Contains; Ashley//Ellie//Paige ]  
  
A/N: This is a suggestion if not done already; Read the intro. WARNING . it contains more information about this story. This story is very harsh and  
real. And also as a reminder, I do not own anyone except the character  
Jessie and I accept flames if any. Thank you and please submit review  
  
[x] Paige never had gotten raped before this, in other words, Shout 1 and 2  
are non existent.  
  
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No one knows what happened that night. No one knows why, or who, or what, or when, or how. Deepening and darkening my thoughts. The truth no one knows. Not even me. No denying, not even me.  
  
"Ash, I like it, it's totally cool. We could get matching ones," Ellie said to me as we sat outside. I don't answer. The tattoo is ugly and stupid. "Listen to me, I sound like, Paige," Ellie said stuffing the fake butterfly tattoo back in her backpack. Ellie has become next generation Barbie anymore.  
  
"Do you ever wonder about death?" I asked. Ellie popped some candy into her mouth.  
  
"What do you mean?" She asked. She knew what I meant. Does she think I'm stupid or does she know I know she is.  
  
"Death. What do you think happens?" I ask again. Maybe ignorance will get past her this time.  
  
"You just die. Then it's hell or heaven, depending on what the hell you believe in," sarcastic bitch.  
  
"Oh," I say. I watch my shoes stay still until I catch a glimpse of familiar clogs. Deafening my sound, my eyes flood up staring at 'Princess Prissy Plastic Paige'. Life ends when you see her. Maybe that's who you see before you die. I heard of Heaven and Hell. Not Bitch Galore.  
  
"Unwanted and unpopular. How sad," Paige walks by. I stare.  
  
"Paige, I almost had a perfect day," Ellie lamely says. I bite the inside of my lip and continue to look down at my still shoes. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect Perfect Perfect Perfect Perfect Perfect. Nope. Not in my vocabulary.  
  
"Elle, Hun, stick with Ash. You two make a perfect couple," Paige snarls acting unharmed. Ellie stood up.  
  
"Paige don't get excited," Ellie smarts back. Semi-good. Excited over what? I'm surprised the whole school isn't spreading rumors that the 'Goth Chick' and the 'Punk Rocker Babe' have hooked up. Won't make my life any worse.  
  
"Watch out, Nash, Ash might call the cops on you too," Paige said. And with that she walked away. Ellie cornered. Here it goes, the query. Ellie sat down.  
  
"She's evil," Ellie said starting to slouch. Evil isn't the word. "Why did you call the cops anyways?" Ellie asked. I didn't answer. The inside of my lip started to bleed and the metallic taste of blood spilled in my mouth.  
  
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"Define me as the- as the- ah fuck it!" She yelled. She threw the papers on the floor. I watched. Nothing new. The cursing was fairly recognizable inside my head outside the words were faintly famous. The girl walked off the stage. She looked pissed. This pleased me in some way. Maybe picturing Paige at this exacting point of time. Jessie, the judges whispered. Her name was Jessie. Maybe. Although ease dropping isn't my strong suite. Ha!  
  
"Ellie Nash," The guy called with his white hair keen to the right. Ellie was up. I was hoping so hard Ellie would win. This would signify, dress rehearsals, tons may I add. Tons of time alone I could lurch in self-pity. How exciting. At this point, I was acting fairly excited. Damn, I am persuasive since Ellie smiled back at me. How joyful.  
  
"Define me as the rose, the lilies, or the blossoms. Not the darkness of the corner or the streets with no light. I may not be the sunshine of the day, I may not be the gardens blooming seeds or the fragrance of the water against the life of green, but I am a person I am-"  
  
"Very good, Ms. Nash," The second judge approved. Ellie nailed this. But when the final play is performed, I won't be there. I will be home sick with some new sickness I have invented. Ellie smiled a little. She seemed pretty good at this. But hey, I'm not the moderator. Ellie walked off stage. "Chelsea Euro," The man called.  
  
"Laugh later, okay?" Ellie said to me. I'm in no frame of mind to express amusement.  
  
"You didn't think you were good?" I asked catching up to her. Like I cared. But hey, I'm suppose to be 'the friend' right?  
  
"Yeah, I think I was. okay. I mean, what am I doing? Acting? This is hell in here. I couldn't have gone with the band option. No. I had to make it hard!" Ellie complained. Okay, now was the era to plug my ears. But why would I? This is another time to envisage Paige's anguish that Ellie said she would unquestionably have.  
  
"Why don't you join Craig's band," I stupidly said. Ellie didn't speak. No, don't answer Ellie, I only asked you to do what you're dying to do. No don't pay any attention.  
  
"Maybe. He seems cool," Ellie nods. We start walking down the street. "I mean, one girl would make it sound even and pretty cool," Ellie nodded in thought. I keep in mind listening to them. When Craig invited me over to give view and such. Now, he never calls, never says hi. The halls become quiet when I walk in, then they echo in laughter and in whispers. I ignore it anymore.  
  
"Mhmm," I nodded.  
  
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When I arrive home the house is quiet. Mom and Jeff said home would be settled more because she got a new job and Jeff has been promoted. I walk into the kitchen and sit my book bag down with the 'blomp' sound. I pull the yellow sticky note off the refrigerator. It read:  
  
Ash,  
I told you the house would be a lot lonelier now so get use to it. I left some money on the counter for a pizza and an extra ten if you have  
company  
Love you sweetie,  
Mom  
  
Company? Mom knew damn well I don't have company anymore. She doesn't know why Terri, Paige, Craig, Jimmy, or even Ellie don't come over anymore. I tell her it's a new year and school is priority. Yeah mom, priority that's why I get D+'s and C-'s. Real smart mom.  
I walk upstairs. My door is ajar. Mom has been snooping. I won't accuse her of it this time. Everything is in place. Mom always thinks she's sly. Yeah, uh-uh. I sit on my bed. I look over at my lamp. The black shade camouflages what I have hidden. I feel up the shade. I feel the unevenness. I simply peel off the tape letting a razor fall onto my black night stand. I look at it. The tip of the blade is in the gleam of the light above me. It shines with brightness. I have been scared of needles, but I can handle a razor. Since that night, I'm not scared of anything. Except IT. IT is my worst nightmare. The tears do not fall, predictably. The razor still sits silently on the nightstand. I breathe in the cold air. My fingers slide over it feeling its metal blade. How amusing. It falls into my hands. Without thinking, it slides across my wrist. Sliding down the blood floods over jacketing my skin in thick red paint that drips onto my hard wood floor. I gasp. Drip. There goes Paige. Drip. There goes Craig. Drip. There goes my worry. for now. 


	3. Memories For Now

[ Not Even Me ]  
  
[ Not Even Me Chapter Two Contains; Ashley//Ellie//Jessie ]  
  
A/N: Chapter two is up and going!  
  
[x] Please Read and Review I really need some feedback! Thanks!  
  
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- - - x.  
  
Mom came home at 8:46 p.m. Right now it's 12:11 a.m.. I watch the clock every now and then. She looked exhausted. I didn't ask any questions, wasn't any to be answered. I watched her make her way into the kitchen, finding the thirty dollars left unscathed. She sighed, folded it up, and wedged it into her black purse. She drug her feet into her bedroom. Soon after, Jeff came home; he announced Toby was officially spending the night at J.T.'s house. By the time they were mutely in their rooms, I crept upstairs. I looked at the floor. Shit! I forgot to clean up my worries on the floor. Worries. I liked that word. It was better than blood. I looked behind me, roughly paranoid. No time for that. I open my drawer. My black clothes are stacked neatly alongside my letterbox and my old diary. I took the first one in the stack. I crouch downward and attempt to clean it. Each worry tarnished. It seems to merge with the brown wood. It leaves a desiccated outline. I cleanse it until my fingers are red. Red like fresh. worry.  
I walk into the bathroom where it smells akin to the freshener mom had put in. I gently push the light switch upwards. I walk over to the sink. I twist on the faucet and observe the red stream of worry spill onto the white porcelain. After it became a clear tint again, I persist to leave the water running, to immerse off the red streaks still remaining in the sink.  
I walk back into my room. It is still the same. I fold the rag up neatly and sit it back on the top. I let my fingers glide over my old diary. This must be good. I use to keep this diary, all the way back when Jimmy and me first met. I haven't written in it since like, grade 8. I found that diaries are stupid way to remember things. I don't want to remember some things. I uplift it from my drawer and set it on my lap. It's hot pink with a black strap securing its secrets. I slide the black strap off and set it off to the side. I cautiously open it.  
  
Dear Diary,  
Today was awesome! I met this guy. Jimmy Brookes. Gosh, he is so cute! Paige says I won't have a chance. I'll show her. She says he's out of my league that he's way too popular. Whatever. If he's single, if he has something in common, he's mine.  
Yours truly,  
Picture Perfect,  
Jimmy's perfect girlfriend,  
Ashley  
  
Do I dare to read more? My mind has turned into play-do. I turn the page.  
  
Dear Diary,  
It's been awhile since I've updated but hey, a girl needs a life too. Guess who I'm dating? Jimmy. Yep. 3 days now. Oh he's so cute! He's trying out for the basketball team. He's my man!  
Today was the best! Paige said I had the best outfit. Lucky me, And I even got asked out, by this totally hot guy, but I was proud when I said I was taken. Terri and me are going shopping tomorrow! Oh yes, how fun. Any who I have got to call Jimmy! My Perfect Boyfriend needs my angelic voice  
Jimmy's once again perfect girlfriend,  
Ashley  
  
Dear Diary,  
Mom told me how pretty I looked yesterday. I was so relieved. Paige freaked when she saw my new heals. She fell in love. I guess I'm hot hot hot! ON FIRE! Sike, I'm still just me except better. I have friends, popularity, a boyfriend. And you know what? I think right now, I have the best like ever.  
  
The heat of my face cools when each tear slides down my cheek. I close the diary and carefully place it next to the cloths. I blink making the tears fall onto my comforter. I shut the drawer and dip my feet between my sheet and my thick blanket. I watched the ceiling until my mascara blackened my eyes and I had no choice but to sleep.  
  
When I awake, my arm hurts. It feels sore. I look at it. It looks infected and malevolent. I look at the clock. 5:58 a.m. I slyly walk into the bathroom and search for some cure. I find some kind of alcohol and in the fridge, downstairs, was some gel to lose pain. I put a mixture of everything on my wound. It burned a little. It felt like the medicine fled through my veins. It was cold. I felt my lips quake. I ignored it. I silently crept back in my room. I transformed from my pajamas into my school clothes. Lacey black shirt, long lingering skirt, and combat boots.  
  
"Mom, I'm leaving," I say starting out the door. No answer. I look around. "Mom?" I call out. No one answers. I start to call out again but I then remember she leaves before I awake. I sigh and continue out the door. My shoes sound like horses as they go down the block. The twinge in my arm starts to retort. I try just ignoring by putting my hand over in. I look up and see I'm early. Not many kids are going inside. I start up the stairs. No sign of Ellie yet. Thank God. I keep my head down. I don't know why, maybe in shame. But they don't know anything I've done. I continue to walk until I, in reaction, step back. I've almost run into a girl. She turns to me. I must of touched her someway. It's the girl from the audition.  
  
"My bad," I say almost in a whisper. I start to walk past but she stops me.  
  
"I've seen you before," she points her finger at me. I just wait for her to continue. "Were you at the audition I went to?" she asks. I nod. She smiles and sends out her hand. I look at it. "I'm Jessica, Jessie for short," she says. I kindly shake her hand. Maybe it's because I have to or maybe I want to.  
  
"Ashley, Ash for short," I say kind of in a smart way. She doesn't seem to notice because she was smiling and walking with me inside the school.  
  
"I just moved to Canada from Michigan. I've been going here for a couple days now. I haven't noticed you around," Jessie explained. And I care because?  
  
"Oh," I say. Not much of social person, I know what she's thinking. She makes a face at me, I pretend I don't notice, but I do. She then stops and looks at me.  
  
"I'm gonna go catch up with some friends, see you later Ash," she  
walks away. Ha! Friends? You don't have any friends I know deem me.  
You just said that to make certain I don't weird you out anymore. But  
hey, it was just a supposition. I start to walk to my locker. My  
lesion is hushed now. I look up to find her. Ellie. Propensities  
against my locker, studying everyone go by. I really don't want to  
talk with her. But, if I must. I continue to walk. She must say hi  
first.  
  
"Ash, I called you last night, but there was no answer. Were you  
home?" She asked removing herself from against my locker. I envelop my wound again, just in case.  
  
"Sorry, I had tons of chores mom made me do," I lie. Mom doesn't make  
me do chores anymore. She thinks I'm depressed, even if she doesn't  
divulge it. She's threatening to take me to a doctor for depression if  
I don't smile soon. So when I'm home, I give her a smile. I don't  
think she can tell if it's genuine or counterfeit.  
  
"Oh," she says to me. 'Oh' is something I would say, not Ellie Nash.  
She hates me. Everyone hates me. I'm the girl who called the cops at  
the party; I'm the girl who has like, one friend. I'm the girl who  
everyone thinks is wretched, but to tell you the reality they're  
right. I am the girl they know I am.  
  
[ Please tell me if you like this story, I am having 2nd thoughts  
about finishing it, let me know ox Elle ] 


	4. Negative 1 friend

[ Not Even Me ]  
  
[ Not Even Me Chapter Three Contains; Ashley//Ellie//Marco ]  
  
A/N: Chapter two is up and going! This chapter is a lot shorter. But when  
you read, you will hopefully agree  
It was right to end it there.  
  
[x] Marco is not gay.  
  
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As I walked into the lunchroom, everyone didn't notice me. New stage. Now they just don't notice me. But there were a few grims and glares. Ellie leads me over to an empty table and we sit. Marco soon joins us. I look up at him. He wasn't at the party. Good. I don't want another person hating me.  
  
"Hey Marco, what's up?" Ellie asks biting into her sandwich. I gaze at her but I don't replicate.  
  
"Nothing. I just came over to see what you were doing," Marco replied. Oh just her? What about me? Although, what to expect? I dare myself to ask.  
  
"How are you doing Marco?" I ask trying to look a bit in shape. He looks at me. His face blank his eyes still and now I feel my face get hot. How long will I wait for a reply?  
  
"F-fine," he stutters. I swallow and look down at my sandwich. He hates me. "I'll talk to you l-later, Ellie," and with that, he rushes off. Not daring to look back. I start to bite my lip again. Ellie looks at me.  
  
"You okay?" she asks. I look up at her. "You don't look so good," she says sitting her sandwich down. I crack a fake smile. I spare one from moms.  
  
"Fine," I say and look back down at my unscathed food. I watch her from the corner of my eye she seems perplexed.  
  
"Are you going to eat anything?" she asks. Eat your own damn food! Agonize about yourself. I look back up at her once again.  
  
"Nah," I say pushing the plate away. "I'm not really hungry," I make up a pretext. I actually am hungry. The ache buries itself right in the axis of my stomach. But I know if I eat it, I will puke. I'm way too tense now and days. I don't need a revolting appearance and an unattractive tang. But it wouldn't make me any less 'popular'.  
  
"You should eat something. Ash, I'm starting to get worried, I mean, you barely eat, you never talk, and you never seem uplifted. It's like you're a zombie. Is it me? Are you pissed at me or something?" She asks adjusting her feet. Yeah Ellie, I won't eat because I'm pissed at you. You're as smart as mom. But now I must not have on a shell or else she'll know something's up. Hum. "And these clothes! You look like an Eskimo," she starts to play with my sleeves. I can't help but redeem my shell. I hurry and put my hand over the moved cloth and I feel my nail vaguely touch it. I gasp a bit. She looks up at me silently.  
  
"I do not," I say trying to ignore the fact she almost found my worry wound. She says nothing. I continue to look at my food. I watch it, until next class.  
  
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"We have a transfer today class," Mr. Simpson announces. I look to the side of him. There stands Jessie. Her uneven stand says a lot. I look back at Mr. Simpson. "Jessica Dimmer," he smiles at her. She lets out a smile that she knows and everybody else knows is fake. She peaks over at me. I don't plan on looking a way, so I don't. But she does. I tune out Mr. Simpson. I look at her arms. They have extensive scars. They are scarcely noticeable. I look back up at her. She hasn't noticed that I have seen them. "Sit over there," Mr. Simpson points. She is right beside I. Since Ellie sits by my other side. I mean, no one else planned on sitting next to 'Ashley Kerwin'. Which is why Mr. Simpson has planted her here. By me. She cautiously sits next to me sitting her black binder down. I watch her from the corner of my eye. Long blonde hair streaked with black. Creepy. She had on a black silk tank top jacketed with black lace. She had on a black jean skirt, looking like she hacked it herself. Streaming down with tight black leggings ending with tattered sneakers. Her best feature had to be her crystal blue eyes outlined with black liner. She sat her head on her hand. All those rings must have been uncomfortable. I hate her. Suddenly Mr. Raditch entered the class. All eyes on him.  
  
"Mr. Simpson can I borrow you for a second?" He asked. Mr. Simpson nodded.  
  
"Excuse me," Mr. Simpson said heading out into the hallway with Mr. Simpson.  
  
"I guess we're in the same class now," Jessie started a conversation. Yeah, no way you can ignore me. Or I can ignore you. Damn it!  
  
"Yeah, I guess," I say staring at the blue gray and white computer screen. Ellie reaches her hand over.  
  
"I'm Ellie," she says. Jessie shakes her hand.  
  
"Jessie" she introduces herself. Ellie smiles. Jessie turns back to me. "You don't look to happy," she says. Now, I'm almost affronted. Yeah, I just incision my wrists for fun.  
  
"Where are your friends?" I say cueing her to choose a new seat not in favor of Mr. Simpson's rules. She looks at me. She doesn't like me very well. I can tell. Because when I look at Paige's eyes, I see the same thing. She watches me. This won't make me like her more if that's her plan. I can only like a person so much.  
  
"I don't have friends," she says. She isn't going to cry at least, but she does move. To the back of the room. I watch her walk and the knot in my stomach feels tighter. From the corner of my eye, I see Ellie glare at me. I look at the floor. Jessie slams her things down on the floor and crosses her arms. She stares at the board in the obverse of the room. I turn back to my screen.  
  
"What's wrong with you?" Ellie says half asking. I look at her. I'm in no mood for a fight.  
  
"Nothing," I say simply.  
  
"That girl wasn't going to hurt you or anything!" Ellie says mildly shouting. "God Ash, you've been a total," she stops, "bitch since we came back to school," and with that she moves over to the back, next to Jessie. She looks as if she is trying to comfort her.  
  
Kill me. I am the shadow of the sun and the stars. My life is over, as I know so far. Crept under the world, I am dared to speak of what the secret I have beneath, the mind of my own the eyes that hold the why. Lets hope it comes soon, the day that I die. 


	5. Comforting

[ Not Even Me ]  
  
[ Not Even Me Chapter Four Contains; Ashley//Unnamed Girl//Jessie]  
  
A/N: This chapter may seem a little weird, but later, you'll know.  
  
[x] I also own this unnamed character  
  
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'Clipity-Clop' goes my shoes down the hall. I hold my stolen late pass in my hand. 'Clipity Clop'. I look around. I see another girl walking down the hall, quite rapidly. She seems annoyed. She looks up. To see me. Standing there. Practically spying on her. She knows me. Her mouth opens a bit. She watches me as she walks by. "Sorry," she mumbles.  
  
"For what?" I ask. I don't think I was meant to hear. She stops. She seems as if she has sympathy. Confused, is I. "Are you okay?" I ask concerned. She shakes her head.  
  
"No, we both aren't," I look at her in a weird way. What the hell? Who the hell is she? I walk closer. My shoes are silent.  
  
"What?" I manage to say. She swallows. I think I can hear her heart-beating now. Does she know about me cutting? I hurry and cover my arm. She looks down at my now covered limb. Palpable. She looks back up at me, no reaction. "Who are you?" I ask. She just stares. Her lips are seriously chapped and her eyes are big now.  
  
"Your Ashley," she says. Am I suppose to weirded out because she knows my name?  
  
"Yeah," I seal it. She nods.  
  
"Are you okay?" I ask again not distressing about the worry I was about to let drip onto the girls washroom floor anymore. She nods and tucks her hair behind her ears.  
  
"I'm fine, I'm fine," She says. Does she know?  
  
"Well, I am too," I say responding to her last comment. She nods again. She hesitates to walk away. But she takes one last look at me before she does. I watch her walk with a pace. I turn to start to walk to the washroom, to release my worry. But I don't. There must be another way to liberate my worry. I feel like crying and just telling everyone why I called the police. But I can't. I'm afraid. I remember IT's face in my mind though. Narrow and eyes small. Over me. I look over. There is another, too blurry to see. I look back at IT. IT smiles. I close my eyes and then, blank. I snap back to reality. What happened?  
  
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- - - x.  
  
School's over. I finally can go home, to cry or something. The halls are almost deserted. I slowly swap things within my locker. Not that any of the stuff I take home with me I will study. By the time I close my locker I see no one. I look around. No one. I take my binder and start to walk. I stop. I hear the sounds of sneakers against the floor, squeaking. It's coming from around the corner. I sneakily peak around the crook. It's Jessie. Should I say I'm sorry? She must have heard my shoes. Damn them. She turns to me. I walk closer. She looks as if she was crying.  
  
"You okay?" I ask. Another person I have to comfort. She watches me sit next to her.  
  
"Yah," she nods. I just look at her. She doesn't seem very happy.  
  
"Look, I'm sorry about what I said, okay?" I apologize. That wasn't an apology. It was a mandatory thing.  
  
"It's okay," she says. I actually believe her, she's rather convincing. "But it's true, I don't have friends. I know I told you I did but, I wasn't in a state to lie," she explains. I act as if I understand. I never lie about having friends. I know the truth. "But, Ellie seems cool. I talked to her a bit," she said. She spoke quiet.  
  
"Yeah, Ellie's a good friend," I say. Although she is the following: annoying, nosey, and no fun. Although, I'm not so fun either. She finally nods.  
  
"You could be cool too," she looks at me. Am I supposed to be offended? I swallow hard. "Just open up a little bit," she suggests. I look down at her scars again. They look perfectly cut, way to perfect to be done on accident. She knows I'm looking but she just stares at my face. I look back at her. "I'm not the most happiest person," she says. I know what that means. She looks at them too. "I don't do it anymore," she assures me.  
  
"That's good," I say. That's all I can say. She watches me. I don't want to cover my arms, it'll be way too obvious.  
  
"It can really hurt somebody," she says. I agree.  
  
"How did you get threw it all?" I ask trying to not seem so nervous. She bits her lip.  
  
"One day I looked into the mirror and saw how much uglier they made me. Then I said, if I want to stop slitting my wrists," the words made my quiver. She said them so straight, almost as if she was proud, "then I need to believe that I'm a good person and with or without friends I will live. I can deal with it," she explains. I don't nod. I'm too shocked. She was my hero.  
  
"How long has it been since you've done it?" I ask. She giggles a bit, but I don't.  
  
"Six months seventeen days," she stands up. I too stand up. She grins. She has counted? Is she that happy? Gosh.  
  
"I'm happy for you," I finally say. She shrugs.  
  
"I needed to do something, right?" she says. I swallow. I my head goes up and down. "Well, enough thinking time for me, I better go, see ya," she says. And with that, she walks away. I watch her. I watch her almost jog down the halls swinging her hair right to left, right to left. I fold my arms and look around and soon; I too start to walk home. 


	6. I heard a scream

[ Not Even Me ]  
  
[ Not Even Me Chapter Five Contains; Ashley//Toby//Mom//Jeff ]  
  
A/N: At the end it says 'I have to do something, right?' if you read the recent chapter, Ashley said this because she wanted to quote Jessie. Just  
thought I'ld point that out.  
  
[x] It seems like Toby is Mad at Ashley. He isn't but he doesn't want to  
hang with her because she's an outcast. [x] sorry I haven't written in so long. I have a life off the computer 2.  
Tankiez!  
  
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- - x.  
  
I walk into the house. Quiet, as usual. I go straight to my room. I gently set my bag down on my computer chair grasping the chair still so it will not turn. My bed is still not made; I did not make plans to make it tidy and striking. I look over in the mirror. My lips are chapped and pale, as the rest of my face. Pale. My eyes don't even seem the bright hazel anymore they're more like the deep, deep ocean green that looks like black. I find myself sitting against my bed with my legs up to my chin and my arms holding them close. My closet door at the side of me. I reach my hand over at open it. My walk in closet is dark and smells of old perfume. I haven't really looked in the closet for a while. These were my old clothes; my new ones sit in the drawers of my chest. I walk inside. I reach up and feel for the light. It tickles my hand with its wintry round metal balls. I pull harshly on it lighting up the room with rays. I look around. I see all colors, purple, pink, powder blue, white and light green. On the shelves above are necklaces, friendship bracelets and pastel boxes with secrets holding inside. I randomly pick out clothes at look at them. Then, I look up at the boxes and start to pull one down. As I do, it seems to slip causing whatever inside to shatter into millions of pieces piercing my skin in pain. "Ah!" I cover my head and face with my hands as I here the glass hit the ground with impact multiplying the mess. I feel then thrusting my wrists and hands. I shout again in pain. When the crashing has stop. I look at the floor covered in glass. Then, I dare to look at my arms. They are cut in slants and in dots. It has already began to bleed some more then others. A couple start to fall off my arm. This is not worry it was indeed an accident. I decide to leave the glass and find a soft napkin or something to soak up the blood. As I hold my hand cautiously away from me, my door alarmingly opens. Appearing in the door way is the worried Toby. "I heard scream-" he stared at the crimson blood that dripped from my arm and fingers. He thinks: she is trying to kill herself! I try to tell him but he has already decided to run down the stairs to call mom and Jeff. I worry about him later. I hurry to the bathroom and quickly snatch out a few tissues from the box sat on the toilet. When I apply the white tissue it absorbs the blood making the tissue a dark cherry red. Even it doesn't take all of the wound discharge in. I ignore it and hurry down the stairs holding my wound carefully. My lip once again quivers and becomes dry. I ignore that too. I see Toby on the phone. He looks over his shoulder at me and then turns back. "Hurry, bye," he slams down the phone. He turns his whole body towards me. "It's not what you think!" I furiously shout. He looks at me wide-eyed, almost scared. "You were cutting yourself! I saw! Ash, what were you thinking?!" He screamed. I groan. "I accidentally got cut! Glass fell all over me Toby, I'm not that stupid!" Actually I am. Because Toby, behind all this blood that I cover with this now dark cherry tissue, there are deep cuts. Cuts that fall inside me and they were not on accident. They are real, a real cry for freedom and depression. But Toby, you do not know this. "Yeah, right! Ash, what's wrong with you?" he asks a bit calmer. Maybe he really wants to know. Maybe he really is worried. No, he thinks I'm an outcast just like Paige. "Nothing! I told you, it was an accident," I say not as calm. He looks at it then back at me. I breathe heavier and heavier each time. "Are you sure?" He asks. I nod. I swallow. Hard. "Ash, if you need help you can-" "I don't need any help! What I NEED is someone knocking on my door before they enter," I swing my head around to find Mom and Jeff barging through the doors. They both observe my wound and me. I become furious. "Ashley! Oh my gosh!" Mom puts her quaking hand to her mouth and stares in shock. Jeff hurries over and harshly grabs the wound. Examining it through the tissue. He looks back up at me. I again swallow. "What did you do?" He asks quietly. "Nothing! Toby barged into my room and assumed I was. harming myself when all that happened was an accident  
with broken glass!" I say almost shouting. He looks at me. Mom silently cries. "There is glass all over my room!" He looks back over at mom who seems a bit more relaxed. She suddenly walked over to me.  
"Ashley are you sure because we can help you and-"  
"Mom, really! Toby just had a misunderstanding," I finally say. Mom sighs.  
"We'll talk about this later. Ash and I will go upstairs and clean this up," Jeff said pointing to my wound. "Toby, stay down here, we'll talk after," Jeff looked at him. I cut- I interrupt.  
"Um, Jeff, I think I can do it, by myself," I said looking at my arm. I looked back up at him. He just stood there, staring at me, hoping I would tell him everything. Does he know? Does he see it? I breathe heavier each second. He finally nods.  
"Alright, I'll be up there later." He still hasn't come up and it's exactly 3:06 a.m. Mom came in at about 11:00 to see if I was okay and to ask if I needed anything. Small answers. Right now I'm asleep and my wound is nursed and I'm the happiest person in the house so I would never cut! Actually I'm sitting up and awake. My wound aches and I hate everything right now. I don't dare to look in the mirror because if I do I will see the mascara down my cheeks and my chapped lips. Not something I want to see right now. I look up at my lampshade. I see part of the tape. It's starting to fall off. When the tape comes off, the razor falls. Most likely into my hands onto my flesh revealing my worries. There is an ache in my neck. I bite my lip. I take my hand and peel off the tape and take the razor. The tape falls to the floor and the razor sits in my hand, looking not as sharp as before. I swallow. I grasp the razor and walk outside my door. I close it behind me. I hear nothing. Everyone is asleep. I creep into the bathroom. I look at myself in the mirror. Me. Ashley Kerwin. I open the little wooden door and place the dull razor on the top shelve. I have to do something, right? 


	7. Gaining memory

[ Not Even Me ]  
  
[ Not Even Me Chapter Six Contains; Ashley//Mom//Craig//Joey]  
  
A/N: Watch they way Ashley is starting to gain control. And almost loses it  
in the end  
  
[x] This chapter also reveals some of what happened at the party.  
  
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It's Saturday. Jeff is at work; Toby is at J.T.'s, and moms asleep. Right now, I'm applying and reapplying my make-up over and over. I want to trick myself into thinking I have friends and I have a life and I'm going somewhere today. Yeah, right. I lay down the eyeliner and observe myself. Ugly, ugly, ugly. I walk over to my computer stand and sit down in the chair. I push the tiny button that turns on my computer screen. Tedious screen I've had since two years ago. Email. I don't expect any email. I mean, no one emails- 1 new message. 1 new message?  
  
To: PicturePerfect  
  
From: OverXposed  
  
Dear Ash,  
Hi. I know we haven't talked since the summer but I left something over there and I need it back. Can I come over at 3:00?  
  
-Craig  
  
I gaze up at the folder. The folder holding Craig's old songs within it. Then I look at the clock. 2:49. Craig emailing me? Life is ending. Should I email him back? Is this a hoax? I exit the email and sign out. I reach over to my black phone and take hold of it. I begin to bite my lip, but I stop. I take a deep breath. I dial the number I still have down pat. I breathe one more time. I hold the phone up to my ear. It rings. Long rings. I can hear the phone being shuffled. Should I hang up? I seem to be having an attack but I stay on the line.  
  
"Uh, hello?" he says. It's Joey I know that voice. I smile.  
  
"H-hi is Craig-" I stop. The name seems so beautiful. Like music. Like a song he use to sing to me. I feel like crying. Joey must understand.  
  
"Um, y-yeah hold on," I hear Joey call him. I feel like the girl before the party. Calling her boyfriend, talking to the popular girl, listening to Boom Kat all day long. The phone shuffles again.  
  
"Hello?" He doesn't know it's me. Does he want it to be me? Now should I hang up?  
  
"Hi, Craig," I say. My voice strains. My head hurts and I'm fidgeting. The other line is silent.  
  
"Uh, um, h-hi. You got my, my email?" He asks. I nod to myself.  
  
"Yeah, um," I look at the folder. I blink profusely. "I have all your st- stuff," I bite the outside of my lip. I breathe. I miss him. I miss him so much. I blink and a tear seems to fall onto the floor. It sounds so loud.  
  
"So I'll be there in about five or t-ten minutes," He says. I nod. There goes another.  
  
"O-okay," The hang up the phone. I hold my face in my hands. I still love him.  
  
Knock! One knock was all it took. I run down the staircase. Then I notice, I left the folder on the shelve. Damn! I hurry up the stairs. No, if I 'unintentionally' leave it, he'll have to come in. Knock. I scurry down the stairs again. I take a breath. The door swings open. He stands there. His vivid green eyes show through his dark curls. His lip dares to move. His hands become secreted in his pocket. His Adams apple bounces. I blink again. Don't cry don't cry.  
  
"C-Craig," I stammer. I sound as if I have just seen his good looks. He doesn't seem to care. "C-come in," I say. He doesn't want to. "Or you could stay out here," I advocate. He shakes his head. I make room for him to walk in. He looks around my house. "I'll go get the folder," I say. He nods. I unhurriedly walk up the stairs. Mom walks out of her room.  
  
"Is someone here?" she asks groggily. She would be thrilled to 'think' I have friends.  
  
"Um, yeah, Craig came over for, for his things," I smile. She grins. I don't say anything more. I open my door and look up. The yellow folder sticks out. I stare at it. Why can't he just realize what I did was right? I was lying on the floor. I could hear the party music still going. My clothes were torn and most of them off. I didn't know what happened, Craig! I didn't want anyone to get busted! Please just, don't do this to me! I feel the tears fall down my face. Behind me, the door opens. I turn quickly to find Craig standing there. He sees the tears and the hurt. I cry more.  
  
"Ash?" He says. I turn away and clutch the folder and propel it in his hands.  
  
"There, there, th-that's the song folder," I say wiping the tears away. He doesn't move.  
  
"Are you okay?"  
  
"You wouldn't know, Craig," I avert again.  
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
"You hate me right, Craig? Along with everyone else?" I yell. He seems stunned. "So continue on with that, Craig! You don't know! I don't know! No one knows and you know what, you can't help me!" I yell. He looks scared. I sob. "Just, just leave Craig, just go!" I cry harder then ever before. He disappears down the stairs. I fall to my knees, in the middle of the floor, I weep. I cry and grab my carpet. Anything for console. I yearn for my razor blade sliding across my arm. I want the feeling of control. I see mom walk past my door. She seems disappointed. She hears me, but continues to walk. 


	8. Like a Butterfly

[ Not Even Me ]  
  
[ Not Even Me Chapter Seven Contains; Ashley//Jessie//IT//Paige]  
  
A/N: See how Ashley opens up here. This is a big step. And like before, the  
end ruins all  
  
[x] This chapter also reveals "IT"s name.  
[x] I "sort of" own IT. But I share it with the author of 'Speak' [x] This chapter is a little shorter. You might understand why I ended it  
here.  
  
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Now, it's Sunday. I still haven't gone anywhere, haven't done anything. The razor still hasn't entered my room neither has anyone else. I'm chatting online with some girl I just met. She doesn't know anything that has happened. I try to act typical. We talk about boyfriends and how popular we are. I sent her a picture from when I WAS popular. She said she liked my eyes and my hair. Well girl, you should see how I look now! I can't take her talking about how great her life is. I say mom and I have to go shopping and won't be home till late. She says I'm lucky and that she should get going too. I turn off the computer and collapse on my bed and look up at my ceiling. tedious. Just like me, just like my life, just like my friends. Me. Boring. Who would have thought? I would have. Suddenly, the phone interrupts me. I look at it. Socializing? Me? Never would have thought. I reach over and grab it.  
  
"Talk," I say looking up at my ceiling. There is a bit of hush.  
  
"Hey, Ashley, it's me. Jessie," she yips. I sigh. I think in infuriation. I put my hand to my head. It hurts again.  
  
"Oh, hey Jessie, how are you?" I say in a peculiar way. I'm trying to talk like the girl who I talk to. Maybe Jessie won't think I was the girl at the party. Maybe she'll think of me as a friend! I sit up. Ow! My head!  
  
"I'm good, good. Um, are you doing anything today?" She asks. Yes in fact, I was going to sleep then I was going to get up and reapply my make- up then go to sleep. Yep, I think my day is full!  
  
"I don't know. I don't think so," I say. This is one of the longest conversations I've had. I'm actually interested in.  
  
"Want to do something? I'm totally bored," she says. You're bored?! Look at me!  
  
"Um, I don't care," I shrug. Hey, this might turn out like a normal day.  
  
"How about a trip to the mall? My cousin said Hot Topic has restocked and that they have some awesome selections!" She says in enthusiasm. I nod to myself. Hot Topic.  
  
"Sure," I say. A smile appears. A real smile. Not one I show to mom or one I show when I'm "content". No, this was a real smile. "That sounds great."  
  
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"Look at this!" Jessie pulls out a long black skirt. It is sloping shorter and shorter. The lace only jackets the top. Hideous.  
  
"Hem," I reply. I look through the clothing rack. I still find nothing. Ah! "Wow, this looks, it looks awesome!" I say. Thrilled? Maybe. Confused? You bet! Jessie observes it. She feels the fabric.  
  
"Eh, too thin. But it's okay," she shrugs. She continues to look through the rack to the left of me. I turn away and look at it full length. The diamonds shimmers at the ends of each rip. As I lay the grand shirt over my arms, through the window is IT. IT looks over at me. I can't grab hold of my breath. IT winks in a hungry grin. I almost start to cry but then I see. Paige. Paige's fingers interweave with his. She laughs with Hazel who is standing in front of her. I want to die. HE nods and looks back at Hazel. Paige looks up at him and somehow he directs his finger my way. She stares. At me. She laughs. She signals them to stay put and seems to be walking this way. My head hurts my backaches and my fingers seem to shudder. I demand me back to face the window as I look at the floor wondering. My eyes fly everywhere anxiously trying to figure out where to escape. From this nightmare. This Hell. I put my fingers to my mouth and sensibly taste the silver nail polish I had applied before leaving. I can hear her thick clogs now. Carefully walking through the doorway. I can roughly see her idiom in my mind. I look up at the staring Jessie. She looks over my shoulder, still. Paige must be there. I don't turn.  
  
"Wow, I didn't know vampires came out during the day," Paige snarled. I turn. I look at her and quake all over. She folds her arms and smiles.  
  
"Paige, leave," Jessie demands. Paige looks at Jessie and at me. I gasp. I wish she knew! I wish I could tell her. She wouldn't believe me.  
  
"Aw, poor Ashley, Ellie got fed up with you and you had to get a new friend," Paige attacks. She walks up close to Ashley. So close Ashley can perceive the sound her breathing. She whispers, "I hate you." Die, God, please kill me. She grins and steps back. HE walks through the door. My eyes widen as he puts his hands on her shoulders. She looks up at him and then back at me. Scared. "Come on, Eric, we can't afford to be seen here," Paige says walking out. Eric. My heart sinks to my toes and so do my tears. Eric Burrow bites his lip and smiles. I stay still. Scared he might attack me. As soon as he leaves I cry harder. Harder, until I make a scene. Jessie's hand falls 'round me.  
  
"Ashley, don't let her get to you, okay? She's-"  
  
"trapped." 


	9. She Knows

[ Not Even Me ]  
  
[Not Even Me Contains; Ashley//Ms. Kwan//Eric//Unknown Girl]  
  
A/N: This chapter is SUPER short. You might figure out why.  
  
[x] It might not make sense but try to understand it (  
[x] Please read and review!  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------- x X x ----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Clutch onto my binder. Don't let go. Don't look up. Don't look at all. Don't answer at the calling of my name. Don't stop at any giggles. Don't stop for drinks or for the bathroom. Don't breathe too loud. Don't look too tall. Don't make your shoes stomp. Don't tuck your hair behind your ears. Don't glare at anyone. Don't slow down. Run. This is what I say to myself as I walk to each class. Maybe I will live.  
  
"Did everyone do their homework?" Ms. Kwan asks. I can perceive sound of her shoes draw closer and closer. I maintain my eyes on the ground. I know she's looking at me. Her heels stop. I shift my eyes to another fraction of the floor. Her heels then persist. Inching closer. They suspend my view. I look up. Her arms are folded. "Ms. Kerwin?" she calls. I just gaze. "Did you do the assignment on the book?" She asks looking like Ms. Know-It-All. I noiselessly shake my head. She makes a huffing noise. "F." I need to get out of her. This day can't get shoddier.  
  
I walk out of class and start to my locker. I hurriedly walk following all my rules. But I discontinue. I seem to have bumped into something. Something tall and inflexible. Something that doesn't move or show any admission of guilt. I look up. Eric. IT. I swallow. Hard. I watch. Hard. I want to die. Now. I want him to die. Now. Run. As I start to hurry away. His arm doesn't let me exceed. No one seems to take notice. Maybe just how he likes it. I tremble all over. I can't breathe my lungs have seemed to shut. He smirks. His tapered eyes fill with starvation and malevolence. Help.  
  
"Hey Ashley, how have you been?" he asks. I can't answer. If I cannot breathe I cannot speak. If I cannot speak I cannot answer. If I cannot answer, then he must speak again. "You know Paige and I are dating right?" He asks. He doesn't need to ask I know. My heart sinks and dies. I can't cry. This is not sad. This is frightening. He lets down his arm knowing I will stay put because I am his territory. He turns directly to me. I haven't moved and my body seems locked. He keeps his smile. "And you wouldn't do anything to break us apart would you?" I still don't answer. His smile starts to fade. "Would you?" he asks demandingly. I gasp. I shake my head profusely letting him know I wouldn't. I shutter. His head tips up and he smiles again keeping his deep black eyes on me. "Good. That's good, Ashley," he says . . . . . . .. . . he grins widely and walks away. I gasp for air after he is out of sight. Now I feel the tears I feel the ache in my stomach, my hands clench and my teeth mend. I slowly look ahead of me. I need to walk to my locker. Almost everyone is out of the hallways except her. The girl that peaks at me behind the wall of where I watch. I see her eye. She looks frightened too. We stare at each other for a second. It's her. The one I met in the hallway. Now I walk. I walk quickly. She starts to walk too. As I follow her out the school doors, I start to yell. I start to yell. Yell. I am yelling. Actually talking.  
  
"Y-y-you!" Is this all I can say? My heart thumps in every step. She stops right outside of the school. I can hear her whimper. I walk up behind her. "I-I saw you," I say to her. Her face is pale as mine. Her lips burn with redness and black is under her eyes. I see her tears.  
  
"He did it to me too," she simply puts it. My eyes enlarge. What does she mean? She knows. She knows what happened! She knows who did this she knows how! The only one who knows. Someone knows. Someone can help me.  
  
A/N: Ashley seems to repeat things over and over I know. But sometimes people really think this way the keep repeating. It's okay if you don't like it ( plz tell me if I should continue on. Im not sure. Thx!  
  
oxElle 


	10. Kept Until Now

[ Not Even Me ]  
  
[ Not Even Me Chapter Nine Contains; Ashley//Carry]  
  
A/N: Short chapter I know.  
  
[x] Should I continue?  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------- x X x ----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"What?" I ask appalled. She nods. I feel like collapsing. Somehow spontaneously drying right in front of her. I started to back away. Then I turn, to run. She calls.  
  
"Wait! Please! I can help you!" She pulls on my right shoulder. I intensely shrug her hand off my shoulder and become furious.  
  
"I don't need help I'm perfectly fine!" I yell starting to walk away. She keeps her place as I head off to nowhere. I can faintly hear her.  
  
"I know what happened," I stop. Maybe this isn't a trick. This isn't a girl hoping to humiliate me in front of the people who secretly hide among the bushes. No, maybe she knows. I turn to her each tear rolled down my cheek chasing each other. I try to not cry but all I can do is remember. I walk up to her. So close yet I know nothing of her. "They made me watch. You were their first," she says. I don't quite comprehend.  
  
"Who made you watch what? The first?" all seamed unclear. She didn't want to remember this either. She held back the tears and gradually sat down against the wall behind the school where no one would find us. I want to know. I too sit next to her scared of her explanations.  
  
"The party. It all started at the party. I, Carry Davidson, was for the first time accepted as a human being and not some kind of girl without a date," she starts out little a little rickety. Carry Davidson. "As excited as I was I convinced myself to do whatever it took to be considered a friend to the one and only-"  
  
"Paige Michalchuck," we say together. She nods. "Yeah I mean, I knew you, you weren't best of friends but you know, you two hung out and you were noticed and-" she stopped to slow down. "After meeting this guy he told me that he had a girlfriend, you know which was totally understandable. But then his friend started hitting on me"  
  
"Eric," I whisper. She sighs.  
  
"It was about 1:30 when we headed upstairs," she said. She looked at me. I finally breathe.  
  
"And I was already there," I sob. It was exactly 11:24 p.m. You don't forget things like that and that's the last thing I remember. The time.  
  
"As I entered the room, I saw you, on the floor. You were lying on a sheet, with your eyes closed. I thought you were dead. As I started to scream, he held my mouth. He whispered to me to stay quiet. So I did. He led me over to a chair that sat in front of you. His friend, the one I had already met, opened the door. I thought to save me but he just laughed. I started to cry but he told me again to hush and he-" my heart thumped. "He told me to watch" I tremble. With reminiscences and pain. "He got on top of you and started to rip off your clothes while his friend laughed and covered my mouth. Then you woke up. I could see your eyes open and I knew you saw him. Then you looked at me. I started to cry louder but the boy told me to stop. After finishing with you they took-" "They took me and told me I was horrible without the drugs. I didn't know what he meant bu-"  
  
"When talking to me, I looked at the clock," I stand up. "11:24 p.m. he must have did it then," I say. She stands up and wipes the tears.  
  
"What?"  
  
"He drugged me! While I looked at the clock he slipped it into my drink and drugged me," I announce. She looks surprised.  
  
"You're right," she nods. "But we don't have any proof," she tells me. I know what can we do? We have no proof.  
  
A/N: Okay you may or may not like this story its okay. No hard feelings ( Um but I'm offering something if you are into this story and can't wait for me to finish the next chapter I can give you a sneak peak ( Not the whole thing sorry he he. Just ask for it in AIM my Sn is somehowxstoopid and in the reviews tell me what you would like to happen I could consider it or tell me if I should go on. Oh and by the way, I want to give thanks to these people:  
  
[ This is to all the reviewers so far! Thanks for everything! ]  
  
Deadly-Secret x Thanks! Hope you return soon!  
  
Lyss33 x I needed some answer on that! I'm pretty sure now where I'm going with this but I may accept some ideas!  
  
LittleBlueConverse x Thanks!  
  
TrappedxInxAxBoxX x I'm taking that as a compliment :D  
  
Anonymous x Yeah I get that a lot. But this is Ashley's mind, she kind of just, randomly thinking.  
  
Shifty Tiffy x I'm currently finishing up your story! Thanks by the way, I try to make it as realistic as possible!  
  
Kelly x :p  
  
Punk-Chick33 x yeah. I use to cut but you know, somehow I put myself into this fan fic because I really wanted the readers to get a feel of this. Happy you liked it!  
  
Courtney x wow thanks! I was hoping to get way more flames! But uh, I will most likely email you, if I'm not too busy!  
  
Amethyst x Yeah this one is a little different from Speak. Not too much though. I also liked that book and you decide for yourself if Jessie is Heather ( thanks for the review!  
  
Amy x I can't relate that much to Ashley in this story only somewhat. Keep reviewing! 


	11. Behind The Black Shadows

[Not Even Me]  
  
[Not Even Me Chapter Ten Contains; Ashley//Jessie//Ellie]  
  
A/N: This is really a big thing! Short because it's based on one thing  
  
[x] Someone dies  
[x] By me, the poem was written so please don't steal it it's called  
BEHIND THE BLACK SHADOWS  
[x] If you'd like to use it, please contact me (  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------- x X x ----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
I walk down the hallway unaccompanied. Carry left me. Literally. Last night, she committed suicide. Her razor didn't reach the trash in time, I guess. So I am alone like I always had thought. She was the only one who knew how to help. I did one of Ms. Kwans assignments, a poem of my feelings:  
  
Behind the black shadows  
  
Can be a dwelling for the misplaced  
  
To find a world  
  
Which can erase  
  
The wounds and the ache  
  
The dreams and the voices  
  
To break from the hurt  
  
And the distant choices  
  
Behind the black shadows  
  
Is where the past can't find  
  
Is where the tears can dry  
  
Is where the blood can bind  
  
Behind the black shadows  
  
A place I can hide  
  
With a sharp object or two  
  
To commit suicide  
  
Catchy huh? Maybe if I write about a place to commit suicide, I won't do it. Maybe this is how Carry felt. Maybe this is what she did. I hand my assignment into Ms. Kwan. She doesn't read it, which isn't the worse thing. I don't want to go to the counselor like last week. I sit next to Ellie.  
  
"Are you okay?" she asks. I keep my eyes on the black board.  
  
"No," I whisper. Ellie stares at me for a second. Then I can see Jessie at the corner of my eye. She's also staring. I wipe away the tears and jump up from my seat. While everyone talks I easily escape out the door while Ms. Kwan isn't looking. I continue to wipe away the tears. It's over. The only person who knew what was going on is dead. No one needs me. I think I'm feeling like Carry right about now. I stop. Behind me are running feet. I swing around to see Jessie.  
  
"Ashley, where are you going?" she asks looking a little scared.  
  
"Nowhere, just leave me alone," I say continuing to walk down the hall. She follows me. My hands and fingers tremble. Go away.  
  
"Ash, something is really wrong here, tell me," she asks. I groan and stop looking at her angrily.  
  
"Listen, you are NOT my counselor, okay? I do NOT need your help," I yell exaggerating.  
  
"Apparently you do!" She snaps and pulls up my sleeves revealing my deep cuts. Some covered with band-aids and some still healing. My eyes widen and I hurry to pull my sleeves down and walk away leaving her. "Tell me!"  
  
"Leave me alone!" I walk into the girls' washroom past some familiar pink make-up that someone has left by the sink but before being able to get into a stall, Jessie pushes me against the wall.  
  
"Ashley, stop please!" she looks as if she is saving me. Like she is going to cry. I break into the cold tears and slide down the wall slowly. She falls with me.  
  
"Please just go," I sob quietly. She stokes my hair as my head falls into my hands.  
  
"No, I know I sound like someone who can't help but trust me, okay? I want to help, I need to help," she assures me. I continue to cry. "You can tell me, I won't tell anyone just, let me help," Jessie pleads. My head falls back onto the wall then I find myself letting it hang as well as my arms. "Please," she asks again. I look directly into her eyes.  
  
"Jessie, I - I don't know-" I say.  
  
"Why were you cutting?" she asks quietly sitting down next to me. I swallow.  
  
"Haven't you heard about the party? The one the Goth girl called the cops on?" I ask. Her eyes widen.  
  
"You're the Goth girl?" Jessie says sounding surprised. I nod. She stares at me. I bring my legs closer to me and hold them. She sighs. "What happened?" she asks for more.  
  
"I was-" I try to find a replacement but it won't matter. He did this to me. He didn't hurt me he didn't do something illegal. He raped me. Plain and simple. There is no substitute, no denying. "I was raped," I say quietly. Jessie makes a sound of sympathy and strokes my hair again.  
  
"Oh my gosh," she whispers. "Who?"  
  
"Jessie, I can't-"  
  
"Yes you can, just, please," she says.  
  
"Eric Burrow," I whisper feeling my whole body tingle and my eyes continuously change views. Jessie's eyes fall onto me and then to something ahead of us. It's quiet. My eyes gradually look up. Slowly creating someone astounded and what they have heard. Paige Michalchuck.  
  
A/N: PLEASE REVIEW 


	12. Tell Me It's Lies

[Not Even Me]  
  
[Not Even Me Chapter Eleven Contains; Ashley//Paige//Jessie//Eric]  
  
A/N: This one is a bit shorter.  
  
[x] Please review post your predictions!!!  
[x] Jessie is credited but doesn't speak.  
[x] Eric is credited but doesn't speak.  
  
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"P-Paige," is all I have managed to get out. She stands there breathless slowly stepping back shaking her head.  
  
"What are you talking about, Ashley?" she asks. I can hear struggling in her voice. I gradually come to my feet and start walking towards her. When she stops, I do too. We stand looking at each other for a second. I know Jessie is too on her feet behind me. "Please tell me you're lying," she says half asking. I shakily breathe.  
  
"I wish I was," I admit. I watch her accept what she hears.  
  
"I'm sorry," she whispers looking up at me as her eyes fill with tears. I nod. Her arms go 'round me. This is a moment that I have been wanting. Acceptance. I cry harder somewhat in happiness somewhat confused. As we part Jessie comes between us.  
  
"Can we talk for a minute?" Paige asks Jessie wiping away her tears. Jessie nods as she starts out the door. Paige again looks at me. "I had no idea, Ashley," she starts.  
  
"No one did," I simply say. She walks past me and puts her hands to her head and then stares at me.  
  
"Why didn't you say anything?" she says a bit angry.  
  
"You wouldn't have believed me," I say.  
  
"Okay but you need to do something about this," she tells me. I look at the floor. "Like, go to the police or something," she says stepping closer.  
  
"What will they do, huh? I have no proof!" I say holding my arms out. Paige sighs.  
  
"Are you sure it was, Eric?" she asks. I sigh then nod. I can hear the bell ring and then the voices sound off down the hallway. Paige hurries out the door. I follow her. We pace through the halls.  
  
"Paige! Paige, wait!" I call. She doesn't stop. I know this route. It's to his locker, Eric's locker. I go faster. But then something happens. My hips are griped onto and I'm pulled into the closet. It is dark and I can hear someone else breathing. The light comes on and then I hear the door lock and the light falls on Eric.  
  
A/N: If you have read SPEAK then you know this part lol I really liked SPEAK but this is sort of a Degrassi version of SPEAK. READ AND REVIEW 


	13. Shred of Glass

[Not Even Me]  
  
[Not Even Me Chapter Twelve Contains; Ashley//Paige// Eric]  
  
A/N: 3 this chap  
  
[x] WOOT WOOT GO ASHLEY!  
  
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I begin to walk backwards letting my hands lead the way. I bump into some boxes. I look over my shoulder at them and then back at Eric who smirks. I breathe hard and I can feel the tears choke up in my throat. I need to scream I try but nothing comes out just sounds that irk him more. HE shakes his head as he comes closer his eyes gleaming through the shadows.  
  
"Why are you talking with Paige?" he asks so close to me. I whimper. His hand touches my face as I start to cry. "What did you tell her, Ashley?" he asks a bit firmer. I close my eyes tightly.  
  
"Nothing I told her nothing, I swear!" I lie. He knows. His hand backs from my face before thrusting it at my cheeks. I let out a sound of pain as I fall to the floor. I cover my hot cheek and don't look up at him. I try to cry as silent as possible. He squats down next to me. He takes my hand away from my face and looks at my wounded cheek.  
  
"Now see, that wouldn't have happened if you had told the truth," he says sounding sympathetic. He pulls me up the wall by my shoulders. My body tightens and my eyes shut tight. The tears feel good down my wounded cheek. "Shh, don't worry, you just need something to make you feel better," he smiles hungrily. His mouth goes from my burning red cheek down my neck leaving trails of wetness.  
  
"St-" is all I can get out. I can hear him slowly taking off his belt with one hand as he continues to mouth my neck. He can't do this to me. He's going to do this to me again. Over and over until I do something. He took everything from me. I couldn't laugh and my whole life was based on depression. He made me into this person. This horrid person with no friends and a life of blood and worry. He did this.  
  
"GET OFF OF ME!" I scream as I push him off of me. He bangs into the wall. I take my hand to my neck wiping away the wetness. I hurry to the door but he's quicker. He takes me by my neck against the wall. And as he starts to speak I spit in his face. He lets me down and goes in for the punch. I quickly jump away. He hits the door. Good.  
  
"Help!" I scream. He starts at me. He pushes me against a picture frame that seems to be hung up but the glass shatters into thousands of gleaming pieces. I struggle to get a long piece. He doesn't seem to notice until I have the shred of glass up to the side of his neck. Everything stops. He lets go of my arms and we stand there. I slide the knife to the front of his throat. We both breathe nervously.  
  
"Ashley," he says quietly. I swallow. I want to make him scream, I want to make him shout out to everyone make him want help. I put more pressure onto it. He makes a grunting noise. I get out a dot of blood before the door starts to quake. I look at him deep in his eyes. He looks in mine as he purses his lips.  
  
"Ashley? Ashley, are you in there? Are you okay?" it's Paige. 1 - 2 - 3. I drop the glass and I hear it burst against the floor. I flood to the door and as I start to open it he gets a hold on my shirt but the door flies open. I get enough strength to pull away from his grip and fall into Paige's arms. I release myself from her arms and fall down against the lockers. No one is in the halls. Paige and Mr. Raditch observe Eric as he stands there. Everyone shocked.  
  
A/N: short yes. Hope you liked it. Very similar to SPEAK like I told you :p 


	14. Smile For Me

[Not Even Me]  
  
[Not Even Me Chapter Thirteen Contains; Ashley//Ms. Soave]  
  
A/N: The END  
  
[x] Please review  
  
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"So how long have a kept this a secret?" Ms. Soave asks. My fingers tangle with each other. I look down at them, fighting against one another. I sigh before looking up. Tears form in my eyes but I do not let them fall.  
  
"Since the summer," I choke. I blink profusely. The tears fall. I wipe them away quickly. Mr. Raditch proposed I go to Ms. Soave, just to talk with her for awhile get the thoughts out of my system. She leans over and puts her hand on my knee. I look at her hand then back up at her face filled with concern.  
  
"It's good that you feel you can talk to me, Ashley. I know it must have been hard keeping this-this secret bottled up for so long," she says. I suck up my tears and nod. "But we'll get through it together, and I will help you with what ever you think you need to let go of this past," she assures me. "It won't be easy, but I promise you, he won't hurt you again and he'll pay for his actions," she pauses and exhales. "You did nothing wrong, okay?"  
  
"Okay," I whisper. "Thank you," I say. She smiles.  
  
"Pressing charges is one of the greatest things you can do right now," she continues on.  
  
"I know," I tell her.  
  
"This is a wise choice, a good choice. I'm glad you see this so clearly," she stands up and walks towards the door. My eyes stay fixed on her as I nod. She pokes her head out of the door. "Mrs. Kerwin, could you come in here please?" she calls. I look back at Ms. Soave's desk. Everything seems to have gotten better. I finally can be myself and accepted for me and I am proud to say I'm wearing one of my first genuine smiles.  
  
-THE END-  
  
A/N: I most likely will not write a sequel, give me some opinions, thanks!  
  
oxElle 


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